Things I Shouted While Cat Sitting

When I first moved to Austin, I spent about six weeks renting the home of a girl I knew who was out of town for the summer. In this place of hers she had two cats that it was my job to look after. Here are some things I could be heard to say:

“OUCH!”

“You cannot possibly have that much pee in you!”

[In a King Arthur voice]: “Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!”

“Stop eating my phone!”

“No! Please, no, please don’t throw up there!”

“Who taught you such filthy language?”

“No, you do NOT get to help me pee!”

“OUCH!”

“Do NOT call 911!” (I swear this really happened. He actually dialed all three digits somehow, but did not manage to hit the send button.)

All this activity led me to invent the new insult “Fur Jerk.” Feel free to use it. If you’re a cat person, you probably have one near you who deserves it.

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