How to Blog

I sometimes get fan letters from my readers asking me deep questions about the nature of writing. “What kind of sick bastard are you,” they will typically ask, “that you could make jokes about retarded people running a crematorium?”

So I thought I’d tell you a little about how the blogging process works. Here are the steps that many have followed to build the universe of blogs that you see around you:

1. Assume that everything that happens to you is interesting, because it happened to you. Did you have a dream about yogurt last night? Tell the world!

2. Believe that everything that irritates you is profoundly important, and that the world is waiting to be changed by your bitching. Millions are aching to be critiqued for how they dress, drive, speak, and raise their children! They’ll be grateful to you for it!

3. If there’s something in the world that you don’t understand, it’s easily explained by grasping the principle that everyone but you is stupid. All that remains is to tell them so!

4. Believe that everything you say is witty. With enough hard work and determination, you can be just like this guy!

6. (optional) Know what you’re talking about, and become a better writer.

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