Not Your Ordinary … Wait, Yes It Is

I went to the grocery store a while ago for some chicken soup. Because I was en route to an appointment, I had to eat it in my car while sitting in a parking lot, so I needed a portable disposable synthetic polymer-based oral nutrient delivery instrument.

You’ve probably seen such instruments, and called them “plastic spoons.” I feel sorry for you, you ignorant simpleton. Allow me to explain.

No, the portable disposable synthetic polymer-based oral nutrient delivery instruments available at this particular grocery were in a box labeled “Multi-Purpose Spoons.”

Multi-purpose spoons. Yes. If you’re like me, you’d take a look and say to yourself, “huh?” Because these were clearly ordinary plastic spoons. One of them is pictured at right. Did they clean themselves? Play music? Transform into friendly robots?

No. They’re just plastic spoons. Not even versatile enough to double as a prison-yard shiv. Again, direct your eyeballs slightly to the right.

So I checked the Georgia Pacific website for an explanation. Here it is, quoting directly: “Not just any spoon. SmartStock multipurpose spoon is specially created with a base depth that allows it to serve as both a regular teaspoon and a soup spoon.”

You see? It can hold two different kinds of liquid!

But that’s not all; the multi-ness of this amazing spoon’s purpose is elaborated farther down the page: “Innovative bowl design holds same capacity as soup spoon but has same scooping capabilities as a teaspoon.” Ah, so it can both hold matter and acquire matter!

I’ll leave it to you to discover the many “Features & Benefits” of this remarkable spoon as listed on the Georgia Pacific product page; highlights include the notable “enclosed design” that “promotes good hygiene”—which seems to mean that they come in a box; and the puzzling restocking instruction: “just load the refill, insert, rip, pull and your [sic] done in seconds.”

The high school student who wrote this marketing copy must have been very excited about these spoons; perhaps he hoped it would be read by the Nobel Prize committee for spoon marketing.

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