The Invisible Mental Health Plague (We Blame Gretzky)

This blog typically takes an irreverent view of its topics, but today we feel we must depart from our usual flippancy to address a serious mental health issue that the so-called “professionals” continue to sweep under the rug. There is a class of people in this world who suffer silently each and every day in ways that you and I can only imagine, and it is time that somebody came to their aid.

Now approaching middle age under a crushing but undeserved burden of guilt, failure, and inadequacy, are thousands of Canadian males whose parents named them “Wayne” in the hope that they would become brilliant hockey legends. Today they toil in obscurity as bald plumbers, overweight accountants, and whatever else Canadians do (drink?), failing to score hat tricks or be inducted into the hockey Hall of Fame (assuming such a thing exists). The agony they must endure is beyond calculation, and if you’re ever in Canada, you should always look for opportunities to pat one of these woeful Waynes on the back and say, “there, there.”

Your fault.

Because this condition will never become recognized if it is not given a name, we at World Lexicography Headquarters consider it our duty in the service of mental health to name this debilitating mental disorder “Wayneadequacy.” We hope that through our efforts, the Wayneadequates of the world can begin to come out of the closet, form support groups, and start the healing process. Maybe one day we can help them organize a Wayneadequate Pride Parade.

No need to thank us. Here at World Lexicography Headquarters, this is simply part of our job. You’re welcome, mental health profession. You’re welcome, Canada.

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