A Better, More Illegal Internet

I have had an idea for a website that will never be built, because whoever builds it will richly deserve a prison sentence. Still, I can’t help but find the idea seductive. The address of the site would be slapwarrant.com.

The idea is to create a website where you can put out a warrant to slap a celebrity who has committed an atrocity against good taste. Have you ever turned on your TV and been subjected to sixty to ninety seconds of a certain daytime talk show, and said to yourself, “Jerry Springer ought to be slapped”? If so, all you have to do is go to slapwarrant.com and put a slap bounty on Jerry Springer. Whoever slaps him can then go to slapwarrant.com and collect their bounty. Everybody wins! (Note to readers: Please do not slap Jerry Springer.)

The idea came to me after I saw Point Break. I didn’t know where to find Keanu Reeves, but I really wished somebody could slap him for making that movie. I also thought I should be slapped for wasting two hours of my life watching it. (Note to readers: Please do not slap me. Or Keanu Reeves. But especially not me.)

But we at the Hoondat Report do not believe in vigilante justice, so we think slapwarrant.com should exist only in our fevered imagination.

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