Room 1 loudspeaker
Welcome to the Bad Decisions Club! Make yourself at home. You’re the latest of countless applicants. Our guided tour will make everything easy for you. Please leave your coat on the shelf beside you; our staff will take care of it. Once you’re unburdened, please proceed through the next door.
In this room you’ll find a simple questionnaire. It will ask you to describe the worst and stupidest thing you’ve ever done. Here in the Bad Decisions Club, we accept you as you are. You won’t be rejected or judged. We keep our standards low for your benefit. Please give your completed questionnaire to the man at the desk who looks like a wise old priest. He will absolve you and assure you that you are a good person. You’ll believe him, because absolution feels good. We thank you for trusting us with the content of your conscience. Please proceed through the next door when done.
In this room you will find another questionnaire, where you will describe all your secret shame and insecurity. Please describe all the shameful habits, bad decisions, and childish reactions that hurt to remember. Detail all the reasons why people might dislike you. Please give your completed questionnaire to the woman who looks like your mother. She’ll hug you and assure you that everyone likes you. You’ll believe her, because unconditional acceptance feels good. We thank you for trusting us with your self-esteem. Please proceed through the next door when done.
In this room you’ll find a final questionnaire that requests your bank account information. We’ll use this information to deposit $5000 in your bank account. You’ll believe this, because getting free money feels good. We thank you for trusting us with your worldly values. Please proceed through the next door when done.
In this room you’ll find a pitch black annex with a door at its end. On the other side is the final step of your initiation. Please walk through that door on blind faith alone to become a full member in good standing. Once you are a member, our leaders will make all your choices for you; that’s how we free you from accountability for your bad decisions. Everything is easier for our members. You’ll believe this because doing easy things feels good. We thank you for trusting us with your free will. Please proceed through the next door now.
In this room you’ll find yourself plummeting to jagged rocks hundreds of feet below. We’re glad you’ve enjoyed our efforts to make everything easy for you, and nothing is easier than obeying the law of gravity. While falling, please contemplate how incredibly stupid it is to seek easy absolution, unconditional acceptance, free money, and authorities to make your decisions for you. The “worst and stupidest thing you’ve ever done” questionnaire now has a new answer. This makes you an accepted member. It feels good to be accepted. Welcome to the Bad Decisions Club!